Lou Holtz Eulogizes The Stalkers

Today on the I’m With Stupid blog is a very solemn occasion as we are holding a funeral for The Stalkers, Jayman’s beloved Fantasy Football team who passed away over the weekend when they were stomped by Doc’s Seal Team 6.

*sad organ music as people enter the church*

Father Francis Mulcahy III:  “As we gather here today to pay tribute to the Stalkers, let us all remember to hold close the memories we have of them and all the excitement, joy and love they brought us. Let us cherish those moments and keep them close in our hearts for as long as we shall live. Let us all join hands and hearts together in this service so that we may all be comforted in our grief and we can lend solace to Jayman in this very difficult time in his fantasy sports life. Let us make sure that today will serve as an inspiration to all of us, but mostly to Jayman so that he can have these memories to comfort him and help him as he deals with this loss.”

*All rise and recite the Lord’s Prayer*

Please sing along with Andy Griffith as he performs “Amazing Grace.”

Now, to eulogize The Stalkers is former William & Mary, NY Jets, Arkansas, Minnesota, Notre Dame, South Carolina head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz:

“Thank you Father Mulcahy and thank you to Jayman for asking me to thspeak here today. I know it wasn’t easthy for you to sthwallow your pride and call me. I wisth we could hath sthettled our differenthes while the Sthalkers were still alive, as I loved wathing them play. Buth, as so othen happens in life, it takeths a great tragedy to bring people back together.

I won’t sthpeak long. But, I do remember the very firsth game the Sthalkers ever played four yearths ago. The way Brian Wethsbrook ran up all those poinths. Scoring four touchdowns and running for more than 150 yardsth. I remember your joy in that great victhory. And then I remember Wethsbrook being listed as quethionable the west of the stheason. What I remember mosthd though, was the resilienthy Jayman and The Sthalkers showed by hanging in there and fighting hard until the bither end.

You kepth fighting hard the nexth stheason and the next and then won the champiothip in not just the Open Bar League but also the ABL League in only your third year. An amazing feath and one that made me realithe that we had all withnessed greatnesth in terms of Thantasy Football managing.”

*Lou begins crying while finishing up*

But, like so many other greaths, the Sthalkers light burned so brighth that it burnthed out too soon. I’m going to mith wathing those guyths stho much. There will be other Thantasy teams, but none will mean as muth to me as the Sthalkers and no ownerths will be as importhanth to me as Jayman.

*Jayman and Lou hug it out.*  *Lou wipes his nose on Jay’s sleeve.*

Please join Willie Nelson in singing “Precious Memories”

Father Mulcahy: Thank you Lou for that most touching and heartfelt eulogy. And thank you to everyone who is here today to pay their last respects to The Stalkers. Remember that Jay has asked that instead of flowers that you donate to the charity of your choice in The Stalkers name as doing good things for the community is all they really wanted out of life. And, of course raise your glass in their honor while at the pub. Go in Peace and may God Bless You.

“The Body of an American” by The Pogues plays as the crowd files past the coffin and then meets with Jay:

Jayman Jayman3768@gmail.com Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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